So for the entire year, I have had on my weekend to do list “blog post” and every weekend goes by and this task is left undone. Inspirational books and journals literally line my bed frame in a built in book shelf. I have been hoping titles like The Artist’s Way and The Four Agreements would inspire me through osmosis as most nights I am too exhausted to pick up a book while other nights I get through a page before I pass out. I have had so many pent up thoughts and insights that I have wanted to commit to writing mainly for myself and then for any friends or clients who could identify and benefit from them. However week in and out, I have let this task slip me by. I haven’t made it a priority and I guess part of that is a confidence block thing. Like how do I begin? Who really cares what I have to say? etc. and the other part is just “life” getting in the way. This has been a challenging year for me in so many ways; however, I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and there is always a lesson in the experience, and I think I am finally ready to figure out what that lesson is.
Summer break is quickly approaching and for the first time in a long time, I intend to truly give myself a break this summer. In an effort to be gentle with myself, I have been reflecting back on the last year/few years, and what a whirlwind they have been. I battled with some anxiety and depression earlier this year, and part of what came to light was how I wasn’t truly processing or integrating my experiences. And as we all know when we don’t deal with things, they have a way of catching up to us. In the past 4 years I have moved 4 times, worked at 3 different schools, spent my summers in an intensive Montessori training in Texas, given birth, lost my uncle, struggled with learning to be a parent, started a Montessori middle school program, and began selling essential oils. I have dealt with intense bouts of sleep deprivation and anxiety. I have experienced palatable grief and overwhelming stress and frustration. And I have never given myself the chance to integrate…how have these experiences shaped me as a person? a mother? a writer? a coach? And as a result of my experiences…What can I now offer to myself? my friends? clients? others?
Through all of these changes, I have somehow lost sight of me and what makes me whole. I don’t journal, meditate, run, do yoga, or coach nearly as much as I would like to. To me those things are organic self care. They come naturally to me and help me stay connected and aligned. Without them, I have been treading water at times and drowning at other times, but definitely not swimming with the flow.
And so as I process all that I have experienced, I am making this commitment to myself here and now to stay true to me and reconnect with that which keeps me aligned and thus alive. I participated in a sacred branding session with my brother and discovered that my true essence can be boiled down to the following words: Transformed, Aligned, Belonging, Empowered, Nonjudgmental, and Voice. I want to get back to that state when I feel things at my highest vibration. I don’t want to dull down my feelings and drift through life. I want to thrive– not just survive ( Tribute to Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson’s The Whole Brain Child which is also one of the books I have been dabbling with when I can keep my eyes open).
I read a quote the other day that said “May you be stronger than your excuses” and so that is what I intend to do. Tonight I don’t care how silly or grammatically incorrect or rambly this post sounds, I am committed to doing it…because I see it as a chance for me to reclaim my voice and feel empowered. I see it as a tangible way to show my transformation; to find my alignment; If anyone else reads this, I want them to know that they have a space here with me where they belong and where they will not be judged.
My inspiration is back… and Inspiration Coaching, which was my brain child 5 years ago when I went through some heavy stuff and came out on the other side, feels like the most logical place for me to start reclaiming who I am.