As my vision for The Mindfull Mama project evolves, I want to use this space to share some of my thoughts on the topic of motherhood, pregnancy, childbirth, and loss.
I want to write about how frustrating it is when your child doesn’t do what you want. I am an aspiring and evolving Montessorian, and I truly believe that everyone is their own soul and has their own free will and I honor and respect that, but man, sometimes I just want Mikayla to do what I want her to do when I want her to. Like when we are going in the car lately and she doesn’t get into her car seat right away. Or when it’s bedtime and I made a promise to myself to write and am really looking forward to alone time, and then she doesn’t fall asleep. The frustration mounts and builds and then I exude negative energy that penetrates the air and crawls back into that little girl’s psyche and makes her crazier than before. And I have to remind myself to breath and I have to try to see the gift here…because maybe I needed some quiet dark reflective time. And maybe she needed her mommy. And tonight when she said “Mommy don’t leave” and played with my hair and we snuggled, I was almost in tears thinking of how beautiful the little life that I created is and how I am truly blessed and don’t let myself appreciate it enough. And I am afraid that Mike gets caught up the same exact way as me and focuses on the negative and all of the things we are missing and how exhausted we are. And as everyone says, these days go by. And she is only this little once. 2 years has already flown by, and it has been life changing in so many ways. And you don’t know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. Everything has its merit and even sitting here right now and intentionally writing is a moment I will miss and feel nostalgia for in the future and so much of what we spend our time doing is NOT being present and not unitasking and really mindfully focusing, and I feel like I talk a big game but sometimes I don’t practice what I preach and if I did, I would be a lot happier and more fulfilled.
Excerpt # 2
There is so much more I want to say about motherhood. I want to talk about the gifts there and the mindful moments. Motherhood has provided the space for me to have more excuses and permissions. I can’t get work done when Mikayla is around for the most part so it is more permission to just be. I sit and read with her and observe stories of my past and childhood innocence, bringing with me a new interpretation based on my life experience and wisdom. I get to explore a new world of literature and womanhood and energetically connect with all those who went before me on a deeper level. I get to leave gifts for her and a legacy and have a purpose to be. To be a better person. A better mother. A better teacher. A role model. A friend. A lifeline. Being Mikayla’s mommy makes me want to be a better version of myself. It really is beautiful and makes life more fulfilling and deliberate and intentional.
Excerpt # 3
Motherhood–it is amazing to think I have been a mom for 2 years and perhaps the best is yet to come. I will have more children and there will be sleepovers and homework help and mommy/daughter dates and coaching sports teams. I know that there will be heartache and first break ups. There will be loss of loved ones and pets. But we will get through it together. And I can teach you and help you through the pain. I have so much to receive from you. I know that you have so many gifts for me if I am just open to receive. Well sweet girl, here I am, open and receptive and ready. I love you.
Excerpt # 4
Motherhood–always questioning if I am doing something right. Knowing in my head and on paper how I want to be but when it comes to reality, it is so unpredictable. Because I am tired and busy and preoccupied and …human. No matter how much I don’t want to I find myself in a rut of self comparison and comparing myself to others. I beat myself up and down and all around until I don’t even know who I am. I am my own worst critic and I can be a critic of others but when I take a step back I realize we are all in this thing called humanity together. We are all
“In the trenches” trying to figure it out and doing the best damn job that we can. And the more I realize that, the deeper I am able to step into my own humanity.
Except # 5
I am sad. I wish I wasn’t. But I do need to lean into the sadness. I see everyone hitting milestones. Today my best friend did her gender reveal and she’s having a little boy. That’s what I really want–a little boy–named Ryan. We had identical due dates which at the time I thought was so cool and now it feels so cruel. My heart is so heavy. And I’m not pregnant. When I got my period last weekend, that hurt. Everything hurts. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts. I am sobbing now…and I’m glad for that. Because at least it’s getting out. I am sad because Mikayla is so beautiful and wonderful and amazing and sweet–why can’t I just be grateful? Why isn’t that enough? This sucks. It really really sucks. And now I feel the pressure to time my periods and do all that other stupid stuff to ensure I get pregnant. But there is no ensuring, so I have learned. There are no guarantees. Just pain and anticipation and false hope. I hate that this is how I feel but it is how I feel and I need to honor that.
Let’s see if I can get through this one without Mikayla waking up. That’s always the worst feeling–you feel so incomplete when your baby wakes up and you are in the middle of doing something. I truly hate stopping in the middle of doing anything. I think that’s part of the reason I find myself later and later in the my adult life. I have come to the conclusion that I am a process person way more than I am a time person. In an ideal world, time for me is when I have finished what I started, not when a clock strikes an hour. I hear heavy breathing and I fear that Mikayla is up already. As always there is a sense of panic and regret. I should have used my time more efficiently. I shouldn’t have spent so much time scouring Facebook or texting a friend. How sad is that. My time is not my own anymore. That is just another lament of motherhood. And then there’s the guilt. Sometimes I hate that I feel this way. I want to be proud and excited. I want to keep the momentum and flow of the task at hand going even when I have given up on the task itself to be with Mikayla. I want to invite her into the vibe that I have created and let her bask in its glory and let us celebrate the moment together. But I don’t. I get caught up and frustrated and distracted. I am not practicing the mindfulness that I claim to be so passionate about. Why is it always easier to give some advice and tell people what to do than to practice what you preach? Does that make me a hypocrite? My inner critic is harsh today. Mikayla hasn’t come down yet, so if she’s up she’s granting me this time. She’s a slow riser anyways. Sometimes she panics when she doesn’t see us right away and other times, it’s like get out of her way immediately. There’s usually some form of "morning misery" as Mike and I affectionately call it…and a crankiness. Oy vey! I love those mornings when there is a sweet tender snuggliness. That’s how this morning was. We snuggled for two hours and I let myself receive her life. Receiving is so important and such a big part of transformation. It's like completing a circle and so many of us are givers more than we are receivers. Why is that? Is it a societal thing?
My pictures are so beautiful. In them I see a strong, confident, and loving woman. I see someone who is passionate about life and enthusiastic about motherhood. I don’t see the pain and anxiety. Am I the only one who sees that? I see so much beauty and love and good health. There is so much beauty in the pictures, and it was such a powerful process to look through them tonight while simultaneously having my coaching session play in the background. Magic. I can’t stop thinking of the idea of the magic amid the mayhem. I am also just so incredibly proud of my blog post. It feels amazing to get that validation. I wish I didn’t need external forces to internally validate but I do and I am trying to honor that. NaNoWriMo has started as an amazing journey that has led me to some unexpected and exciting results. If I wasn’t so much in writing mode, I would have never been able to publish that blog post. If I was still stuck in a place of fear, I would have never published. If I got caught up in the blogs who haven’t picked up my stuff, same thing. I can direct my destiny. I can make my future. And I don’t know that I would have ever realized all of that without the mayhem. As I have said before, I believe my miscarriage gave me a gift. I believe it gave me many. It gave me the chance to re-evaluate life and the permission to do so. It gave me a deeper connection with women and humanity and to step into that aspe
ct of my coaching and purpose. It has made me much more reflective on the motherhood journey. And the baby soul has been my muse to help me write and process and put myself out there more.